Put. That Coffee. Down.

…and watch this hilarious video right now!

Even if you haven’t seen “Glengarry Glen Ross” you’ve probably seen or heard of the infamous, profanity laced monologue given by Alec Baldwin in the 1992 Award Winning Movie.

The film is a searing indictment of the “old school” methods that dominate the real estate business.

Al Pacino, Jack Lemmon, and a host of other great actors play real estate agents being browbeaten and demoralized as they pursue weak leads handed down by their manager, played by Kevin Spacey.

In the middle of the film, Alec Baldwin, a high ranking executive in their realty company, appears from Downtown to give an “inspirational” speech during which he humiliates and curses out the entire office.

He’s the prototypical old-school overlord who tries to convince the hard working real estate agents that they are the problem, not the system itself.

It’s a really sad movie that tells a heartbreaking story…

But what if Alec Baldwin had been wearing elf ears the entire time?

That’s the alternate universe this video takes place in. Instead of real estate agents we have elves in Santa’s workshop and instead of weak leads the elves are struggling to create toys with busted tools.

I think that just about sets the scene…

Everyone settle down. This is Winter’s Breath. He’s an elf from the home office.

Can I have your attention for a moment because you’re talking about…what? You’re talking about the hammer, bitching about the quality of your wood, some pixie you’re trying to screw?

Let’s talk about something important.

You think I’m screwing around? I am not screwing around.

I am here from Kris Kringle. I’m here from the North Pole and I am on a mission of mercy.

Your name is Honeydew?

And you call yourself an elf, you son of a bitch?

You certainly don’t, pal, because the good news is: you’re fired.

The bad news is you’ve all got one week to regain your jobs starting with tonight’s build.

Have I got your attention now? Good.

Because we’re adding a little something to this month’s toy contest. As you know, first prize is a shiny new toboggan. Anybody wanna see second prize?

Everybody get the picture? You laughing now?

You got tools. Santa paid good money for those tools.

You can’t build with the tools you have? You can’t build garbage?

You are garbage! Hit the bricks pal and beat it, because you are going out!

The tools are weak? The elfin’ tools are weak? You’re weak!

I’ve been in this business for 615 years!

You wanna know why, mister? Because you rode a hedgehog to work and I got here on a talking moose. That’s my name.

Remember, boys and girls:

A. B. C.

Always. Be. Cobbling.

Well, you’re such a hero, you’re so rich, why are you coming down here and wasting your time with a bunch of bums?

This gumdrop costs more than the mushroom you call a house.

You see, pal? That’s who I am, and you’re nothing.

Nice guy? I don’t care.

Good father?

Go home and play with your kids.

You want to work here? Cobble.

I could sit here with the tools you got and make myself 15 train sets, tonight, in 2 hours.

Get mad, you sons of bitches! Get mad!

You know what it takes to be one of Santa’s elves?

The tools are out there. Build with the tools!

You don’t? I got no sympathy for you.

And you know what you’ll be saying? Bunch of losers sitting around the reindeer shed, drinking fermented dew out of acorn caps:

“Oh yeah, I used to be one of Santa’s elves. It’s a tough racket.”

These are the new tools.

These are the new Glengarry line of power tools.

To you, they’re gold.

…and you don’t get them.


Because to give them to you is just throwing them away.

They’re for cobblers.

I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it.

And to answer your question, pal. I’m here because Santa asked me to be here as a favor. I said, “The real favor: follow my advice and fire your elfin’ ass because a loser is a loser.”


Merry Elfin’ Christmas from The¬†Client Alchemist Team!

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